Popularity and Good Friends

Q: I’m beginning a new year at school and I want to change my popularity status. I mean the popular girls have it so easy. All the boys love them; they look cool even in the ugliest outfits and no one makes fun of them. I have some pretty good friends, but they’re not in the right clique. Do you have any suggestion for becoming popular and making really close friends?

A: Well, my first question would be which is more important to you – being popular or having really close friends? This is not to say that you can’t do both, but consider the consequences for a moment. You currently have some pretty good friends, who happen to be in a different clique than the popular girls. Are you willing to risk throwing away these friendships and move on to the popular clique? Popularity doesn’t necessarily make good friends, and good friends don’t always have to be popular. One problem with popularity often comes in that age old saying, “The grass is always greener on the other side.” Being popular may not end up being as grand as you imagine, so spend some time considering what you really want.

Either way you answer the question, confidence is the key to success. If you want to be popular, you have to believe in yourself that you can be all that you want to be. No more standing in front of the mirror criticizing every dot on your face, no more thinking you’ll never be good enough. Confidence is a very contagious and attractive quality, almost foolproof guaranteed to help you start wonderful, lasting friendships. A good sense of self-confidence starts with believing in yourself and your abilities, but also includes standing up for those beliefs.

Being a teenager can be a really scary confusing time, and different opportunities for new experiences seem to appear daily. Just remember: everything that’s popular isn’t always right, and everything that’s right isn’t always popular.

Maureen D.

Choosing to Overcome Temptation

Q: Why would God make some people gay and then tell them that they aren’t allowed to have an intimate relationship or marry? Isn’t that unfair?

A: First of all, we don’t know that God makes people gay. Whether or not God “makes” people gay is not the most important point to understand here because we don't know what causes homosexual tendencies in a person. There is no scientific evidence for it being a genetic trait; it could be a developmental issue.

I think the best way to understand this seemingly unfair problem is to realize that it’s really just another temptation in life. The important thing is that we can all choose how we act, and homosexuality is a temptation that people can choose to overcome.

Tom

To learn more about dealing with same-sex attraction, visit Courage's youth website.

Searching for God

Q: I've been searching for God for a long time, I've tried religion, but it seems so impersonal. If you have any answers that changed your perspective and life please tell me about it. I want to find the reason why I exist. How did you find God?

A: Everyone finds God in different ways. But how do you find Him? Talk to Him, pray. Tell Him everything, about your mom and dad, siblings, school, things you do everyday. Tell Him you’ve been looking for Him and that you want to know Him. Ask God, “Why do I exist? Why am I here? What is my purpose?” God will show you the way. He has a plan for you.

Stop searching and reach out to Him. He is right there, waiting for you. He is always present, and He will always love you. You will never be alone.

Make time to talk to Him, like you would your best friend. God wants to be your best friend. He wants to be part of your life.

Religion helps you in your relationship with God, it doesn’t get you one. That’s probably why “religion” seemed so impersonal. Finding the religion you want to be is hard because everyone is out there telling you that his or her religion is best. Do some reading about the Catholic religion (see the bibliography), pray, and take your time. Ask God for direction. Don’t worry about not having a certain religion, God will love you anyway, but be open to God’s plan.

The Catholic faith, especially through the Eucharist, is how I found God, and continues to take me to deeper levels in my relationship with Him. I found out why I exist through my Catholic faith.

Amanda


Foreword

Foreword
By Sue Crawford

As I banged on his door and then scrambled to find the key, I felt, instinctively, that there was something wrong, terribly wrong. As the door opened and I saw him on the floor, I knew right away that he was dead. Looking back, I wish that I had knelt down to pick him up off the floor, but I was afraid. What I wouldn’t give now to hold my son in my arms just once more, to run my fingers through his hair, to press my cheek against his.

No Question Left Behind is dedicated to the memory of Danny Davis who was my son. I want to share with you a little bit about his life, and his death.

Danny was a normal kid; his life filled with disappointments as well as joys. He didn’t always make the team or get the girl, yet he stood out from the crowd. You couldn’t help but be drawn to him, even if you had only met him once. Some say it was his infectious smile, while others say it was his eyes. I say it goes much deeper than outward appearance. Mostly, I think, it was the way in which he opened his heart to reach out to people. He made everyone feel important when he talked to them. In fact, he often chose the underdog for his friends. I think this was because he wanted to help them find the power to believe in and love themselves.

Strong in spirit and strong willed, Danny wanted to leave a legacy. While, the legacy that he left was not the one he desired, it is one I am confident he would want you to learn from, especially if you are facing challenges and difficult decisions in your life.

Danny was a leader, not a follower. Though he struggled to fit in during his grade school days, he blossomed as he reached junior high school. He learned that it was okay to be himself and that he didn’t have to live up to someone else’s idea of who he should be. So many kids are afraid of what other kids will think about them, but not Danny. He believed in himself and it showed.

Danny wasn’t afraid to let everyone know that he was a spiritual person. He loved God and the Catholic Church, and he didn’t hide that fact in order to gain popularity points. It was this honesty that drew people to him. His high school friends felt comfortable in banding together with Danny to praise God. They would attend Mass and worship together. Those who didn’t agree with Danny’s religious beliefs still respected him deeply because he stood tall for who he was.

To Danny respect was a two-way street. He would never have put someone down for disagreeing with him. He would have never dreamed of judging another person’s soul. If he saw that your life was heading tragically down the wrong path, you could count on him to be there to help you pick up the pieces.

This is a beautiful example to follow. Band together with your friends. Build up one another so that no one has to be afraid to admit to their deepest-held convictions. People will respect you when you stand up for what is right. More importantly is that others who believe as you do will step forward, no longer afraid, as there is power in numbers.

This is not enough though. You need to go beyond believing in your friends and care enough to help them when they make mistakes. Be strong enough to speak up when you see a friend messing up or to stand up for him when someone else is putting him down. It is not judgmental when you say, “This is wrong and I want to help you.” They will know you love them, for this is true friendship.

Open your heart and let God in. When Danny and his brothers were little, we would all attend Mass together on Sundays and holy days. I had a sense that my three sons were more spiritual than me. They had a child-like love for God that I was missing. I am jealous of people who have been close to God all of their lives. There is nothing more beautiful than the innocent faith of a little child, and it is an awesome thing to watch that simple faith grow into a deeply-seeded faith of a teenager and a young adult. I was lucky to witness this through my sons.

Let others, your family and friends alike, witness the beauty of your faith. Teens can learn about the love of God from other teens. I think that is why the book that you now hold in your hands is of such importance. I love No Question Left Behind because it is all about young people helping one another. Danny would have loved this book too. It’s an important book for you to read, and to share with friends, because it is written by your peers, young people from 14 to 23; from public school, private school, and homeschool; male and female. All these young people have opened their hearts to you. They are not ashamed to hold their heads up high and shout, “I love Christ and His Church!”

While my son Danny wasn’t afraid to make this proclamation, he occasionally closed his mind to God’s plan for his life and made mistakes, one big mistake in particular. His entire life changed one night at a college party. A close friend offered Danny drugs. I do not believe that Danny said yes in order to fit in with the crowd, that wasn’t like him at all, but simply because he was always trying new things. He loved a challenge. Unfortunately, this was not a challenge that he was up to facing.

Giving into temptation, just one time, created a drug addiction. Drugs became such a powerful force in Danny’s life that only God could fix it. Some of Danny’s friends, and even a few parents, knew of his struggles. Sadly, none stepped forward to tell me. If you have a friend who is struggling with serious issues, please don’t sit by as they self-destruct. I can tell you without a doubt that if Danny were alive today, he would say the very same thing. As Alex points out on the pages of this book, you sometimes need to ask yourself if the friend or the friendship is more important. Real friends share the Truth. Are you a real friend?

Danny died of an overdose on August 22, 2003 at the age of twenty-two. I honestly don’t know what difference it would’ve made had I been given the opportunity to help my son beat his addiction, but I never want another parent to live with that “what if” scenario. If you know of someone on drugs, TELL. If you are the one on drugs the advice is the same, TELL.

Most of Danny’s friends had no knowledge of his drug use. His old high school chums, the ones who shared his love of Christ, were stunned by Danny’s death. They couldn’t understand how their friend, who they all looked up to, could make such a wrong decision. It was these friends that he needed to tell.

I know from Danny’s journal, found after his death, that he was struggling to quit on his own. He did not abandon God; instead he was desperately praying for His intercession. If only Danny had seen that God had already given him resources to beat his addiction. God gave him loving parents, brothers, extended family, and friends, who would have traveled to the ends of the earth to help him.

There are times when I wonder if God called Danny home when He did because Danny’s addiction was more than he could handle. Perhaps, had he lived, the suffering would have been more than he could bear. It may have been that at the moment of his death, Danny was most ready to meet God. I take great comfort in knowing that God is merciful and that He loves my son more than I ever could, and that He took Danny away from his suffering and into paradise.

Learn from my son’s story. Learn to stand up for what is right. Be strong in saying no to temptation, for even one yes can change your life forever. (As The Lord's Prayer says, “Lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil.”) You have the ability to reach out to others when they are troubled. If you cannot reach them, then go to their parents. God gave you the gift of one another – friends, fellow parishioners, religious, counselors, teachers, and parents. I deem it important, on Danny's behalf and in the love of his memory, that you know that you can always count on an adult when you, or a friend, are in trouble. Don’t worry about being judged, instead know that you hold the power within yourself to reach out. As you will read in No Question Left Behind, it all begins with prayer.

How This Blog Came to Be

No Question Left Behind started out as a book. A publisher asked me to pull together a couple hundred questions from everyday teenagers and then have them answered by their peers. I completed the book but the publisher ran into a cash flow problem. Even though we spent a great day doing a photo shoot with nine of the ten teen authors, the book was never published.

And so, after much prayer I have decided to put it up on the internet. It is my hope that the No Question Left Behind teen blog is a help to the many teens whose hearts are filled with questions about themselves, their friends, the world, and the Church.

My plan is to post a new Q&A every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday.

Introduction

You may wonder what makes No Question Left Behind different than other question and answer books written for teenagers. The difference is that I went directly to teenagers, not only for the questions, but also for the answers.

I gathered questions in a variety of ways. I met with teenagers through CCD classes and club meetings. I also searched the internet for websites and message boards dedicated to teenagers. I compiled more than 200 questions about teens’ everyday concerns and worries, as well as their questions about the Catholic faith.

I edited the questions for grammar, length, and clarity to help you, the reader. Some questions were also edited in order to protect the author’s identity. However, the general context of each question remains intact.

Once I finished that task, I set forth to have the questions answered within the framework of Catholic teaching. To accomplish this, I put together a team made up of young people in their teens and early twenties who have a real love for Christ and His Church. (You will find their biographies in the back of this book.) I lovingly refer to them as my “dream team.” They know what it is to be a teenager in today’s world, and are more than capable to answer the questions put forth by their peers. The team split up the questions that I collected and then answered them over a period of several months.

Finally, I sought priestly council to make sure that the answers in No Question Left Behind are theologically sound.

One final note, “Canon” stands for The Code of Canon Law and “CCC” stands for Catechism of the Catholic Church. You will see these notations throughout this book, as the dream team occasionally quotes canon law and the Catechism. The number following “Canon” is a reference number and following “CCC” is a paragraph number. The Code of Canon Law is an extensive volume and unlikely to find it’s way to your home library. However, the Catechism is a compendium of Catholic doctrine regarding faith and morals that deserves to be on the bookshelf of every Catholic. The Catechism’s system of numbering makes it very easy for you to look up the quotations found in No Question Left Behind.

Appreciation

To all of the nameless teens whose questions fill this book, each of you are very special. I appreciate that you were open to sharing your worries and concerns with the world. You are in my prayers.

I cannot begin to express the gratitude I feel for the team members whose answers fill this book. These young people have been a great inspiration to me. They are beautiful examples to the rest of the world. Thank you Michael A, Maureen D, Ashley G, Tom J, Alex L, Amanda R, Austin R, Jenna T, and Karen T.

I must single out one team member and that is my son Christian. Christian went beyond the call of duty, putting aside everything else in his busy life to help me complete this book. He did it on his own and he did it joyfully.

I am grateful to the team members’ parents for lending their children to me. More importantly, for raising such awesome young men and women who walk with Christ in their everyday lives. Thank you Mike and Terri A, Tom and Ginny D, Ron and Cindy G, Jim and Ginny J, Bill and Joan L, Ed and Michelle R, and John and Mary Jo T.

I owe a great debt of appreciation to Father Jim S, for he is the one who initiated this book. The concept is solely his and I am thankful that he asked me to compile and edit No Question Left Behind.

Thanks go to Mike A who first introduced me to Fr. Jim and made the suggestion that Father and I work together. I am also grateful for Mike’s encouragement whenever I begin to doubt my abilities as a writer.

My sister-in-law Sue looked deep into her soul to write the foreword. She, along with her family, is a great blessing in my life.

Father Jerry V volunteered his very valuable time, answering my questions regarding Church teaching on a variety of topics. I will be forever grateful for his wise council.

I must give credit to Ed R for he dreamed up the title No Question Left Behind in a moment of inspiration. I am indebted to you Ed.

Thank you Mike An. for traveling so far to spend a day with the team members for the photo shoot. The pictures came out great. Another thank you goes to the Michigan Historical Center for letting us take over their building to get just the right background for the pictures. It was a blast.

There were times when team members needed help finding information to complete their answers. When I couldn’t help them, I turned to my friends. Thank you Anna A, Nancy B, Patsy C, Ann Marie H, Yvonne R, Marian T, Pete V, and Mike W. I am appreciative of your assistance.

My cousin Stephanie put me, and my children, up in her home during my trip to Chicago to meet with the publisher. Without hesitation, she also allowed me to use her home as a meeting place. She is a dear and I am blessed to call her family.

I am also blessed to have a husband and seven children who support my work as a writer and editor. Thank you Rob, Christian, Mary, Laura, Joseph, Gregory, Margaret, and Brendan for your love and your patience.

Some of the best questions in this book were found through online sources, probably due to the anonymity of the Internet. Thanks go out to all of the webmasters who maintain websites and message boards set up to help teenagers, particularly LifeTeen and TeenAdviceOnline (now defunct).

I am most thankful to God for all of His gifts, including the grace necessary to complete this book. I am also grateful for God’s gift of teenagers. They are wonderfully interesting people, caught between childhood and adulthood, fervently seeking Truth and trying to make sense of the world around them. This is their book.

Not Just for Confession

Examination of Conscience for Teenagers

Before going to confession, you should examine your conscience. That is, you should take time to look deeply into your heart and determine whether or not your past actions have had a damaging effect on your soul. In order to make a good confession, you need to review your past thoughts, words, and actions.

But self-examination isn’t just for confession. You should make frequent use of it. It's a good idea to take time each night, before failing asleep, to look deeply into your intentions and the choices you made that day. In making this a habit, you will not have any difficulty in recalling your sins when you do go to confession. Making a habit of daily self-examination will also help you avoid sin when first confronted with it.

We often hear about the importance of exercising our bodies. We should also exercise our souls. After all, our souls are eternal. Daily examination will help us form our will and become better people. As the Prophet Jeremiah sings in his Lamentations: “Let us test and examine our ways, and return to the Lord!” (La. 3:40)

Team members Christian, Amanda, and Austin wrote the following examination, based on the Ten Commandments, to help you in this task.

Prayer Before Examining Your Conscience
O Holy Spirit, please guide my heart and my mind. Help me to recall my sins so that I may confess them and commit to being a better person. Guide me as I examine my conscience. Help me recognize my faults, do better in the future, and avoid sin from this day forward. Help me form my will, make it strong so that I am able to say no to all things that corrupt my soul. I want to please You and be a better Christian. I want to be an example to all my friends and loved ones. Amen.

The First – You shall have no gods before me
Do I love God more than things – money, clothes, popularity, appearance?
Do I set aside time to talk to God?
Do I stand up for my faith when challenged?

The Second – You shall not take the Lord’s name in vain
Do I use the Lord’s name casually, without even thinking?
Do I use cuss words to look tough or cool?

The Third – Remember the Sabbath day, keep it holy
Do I go to Mass on Sundays and holy days?
Do I receive the Eucharist respectfully?
Have I received communion without confessing a mortal sin?
Do I do unnecessary work or shopping on Sunday?

The Fourth – Honor your mother and your father
Do I honestly speak with respect to my parents?
Do I go behind my parents’ back when I want to do something that they disapprove of?
Do I use respectful words in describing my parents to others?
Do I recognize and appreciate the sacrifices that my parents make for me?
Do I take differences of opinion to my parents for discussion? Or do I turn them into fighting matches?

The Fifth – You shall not kill
Have I put myself, or others, in danger by driving recklessly? With drug, alcohol, or tobacco use? Have I harmed my body by not eating right? With self-mutilation? By using prescription drugs irresponsibly?
Do I stand up for the right to life, especially for the elderly, sick, and unborn?

The Sixth and Ninth – You shall not commit adultery
- You shall not covet your neighbor’s wife
Do I respect the dignity of my body?
Do I dress attractively, yet modestly (not to attract attention to my body)?
Do I keep my mind pure by avoiding inappropriate movies, video games, magazines, websites, etc.?
Do I control my fantasies?

The Seventh and Tenth – You shall not steal
- You shall not covet anything that is your neighbors
Do I respect others’ private property?
Do I cheat at school or pressure others to help me cheat?
Am I jealous or greedy? Or am I thankful for God’s gifts to me?

The Eighth – You shall not bear false witness against your neighbor
Have I lied to keep out of trouble rather than own up to my mistakes?
Do I lie to myself in order to justify my actions?
Do I gossip or exaggerate stories to look cool in front of my friends?
Do I keep my promises?

Ask before going to confession
How long has it been since my last good confession?
Did I hide any sins from the priest?
Did I do the penance the priest gave me?

“I turned my mind to know and to search out and to seek wisdom and the sum of things, and to know the wickedness of folly and the foolishness which is madness.” (Eccles. 7:25)

Karen

My name is Karen and I am the eldest of four children. My parents raised me to be a strong citizen of both the Catholic Church and our community. In our faith community, I actively participated in the youth choir and was also a lector throughout high school. Right now, I co-teach a seventh grade, first-year, Confirmation class at a parish in the Detroit area. I graduated from New Covenant Christian High School. Currently, I am a sophomore at Madonna University in Lavonia, MI. I am studying Communication Arts, English, and Political Science. I plan to also gain certification in Secondary Education. After I have completed college, I am planning to move southward, maybe Texas, to teach. I also enjoy a variety of sports, including basketball and soccer. This book has been enlightening and kept me in closer contact with the Lord over the past year. I hope it will do the same for all of you!

Jenna

I am a seventeen-year-old senior at a public high school in Michigan and I attend the Catholic Church. I live with my parents, Mary Jo and John, and siblings Karen, Mark, and Scott. I have swum competitively since I was eight-years old, and plan to swim in college. I enjoy bowling, listening to music, playing water polo, biking, waterskiing, spending time with my family, working with photography, watching movies, and hanging out with friends. I plan to make my profession in psychology or psychiatry, but am not yet sure which university I would like to attend.

Austin

I’m fourteen-years old and live in Michigan. I am homeschooled. I have five brothers and sisters. My family and I have attended various parishes in the past. I enjoy shooting sports, 4-H (sheep), ice skating at the Wittmann’s house, hanging out with friends, attending youth group, art, and Christian rock music. I'm a drummer and percussionist. I have a drum set and play percussion in the HSMA Concert Band. My family and I recently moved to ten acres of woods in the country, and we love it out here! We now have lots animals that we wouldn’t have thought of owning (horse, sheep, dog) before. I have no future plans as of yet but I hope to go to college some day. By answering the questions in this book, I have obtained so much knowledge about the Catholic faith. “Thanks Mom and Dad!” I would also like to thank Mrs. Wittmann for letting me be a part of this book.

Amanda

I’m sixteen-years old and have been homeschooled most of my life, along with my five younger siblings. My family and I recently moved to the country. I’m part of three different youth groups, one of which I am currently leading after many years of membership. I have owned a horse, Robynn, for three years and now have her in my backyard. I also am part of a 4-H group that raises sheep for the county fair. I love to skate on Christian’s backyard ice rink, ride my horse, Irish step dance, sing in choir, and hang out with friends. I participate in a lot of service activities and retreats with my youth groups. I’m currently in a musical and have acted in five other plays. I plan to graduate next year from high school and continue on to any mission work God leads me to. When I get to college, I would like to attend Franciscan University in Steubenville, Ohio.

Christian

Howdy! My name is Christian and this here is my own little cubby hole in the book. I was born in St. Louis, Missouri. I am now in my sixteenth year (making me fifteen) and am the oldest out of seven kids. My family moved to Michigan when I was about four. I’ve been homeschooled my whole life. I’m a confirmed and practicing Christian Catholic, and I love my faith very much. It’s very important to me. I have a backyard ice rink. It’s pretty big (100 by 50 ft) and it rocks! I’m in a writers’ club, a philosophers’ club called Socrates’ Cafe, and I’m learning to speak Spanish along with some friends. I do archery, accountant for my Squires’ youth group, writing/book addict, and just an all around cool guy. After I get through high school, I’ll probably go to college. Maybe Franciscan University in Steubenville, Ohio. I’d like to major in theology, and maybe philosophy.

Alex

I am twenty-three-years old. I graduated from Grosse Pointe North High School and I am a recent Aquinas College graduate. At Aquinas I earned a Bachelor’s Degree with majors in Theology and Mathematics and a minor in Physics. I have helped develop and run the “What Now” retreat for high school seniors and I have helped with the Aquinas College Youth Rally. I have presented “Life, Love, God the Juggling Act” and “Check Yourself, A Christian Story” at the St. Simon Youth Rally. I love learning more about people, the Church, and God. I have been blessed with the opportunity to help with this book and am very thankful to be a part of it. I would like to thank my parents, Bill and Joan L, and the rest of my family for their continued support and love through the years.

Tom

My name is Tom. I am the oldest of seven children from Michigan. I am currently twenty-two-years old, my youngest sister is twelve, so we are all fairly close in age. I was homeschooled all the way through high school, which, although difficult at times, gave me a very strong sense of family. It also helped to strengthen my faith in God, and my love for the Catholic Church. I graduated this year from the University of Detroit Mercy with a degree in Mechanical Engineering. I am now working as an engineer, I enjoy playing sports, being outdoors, playing piano, and being around my friends.

Ashley

I’m eighteen-years old and I have been blessed with amazing parents and three awesome brothers. I have been raised Catholic and have attended a small town Catholic church my entire life. I’m currently a sophomore in college studying massage therapy. I’ve played sports as long as I can remember, and in my freshman year of high school fell in love with volleyball! I also ran track all through high school. Music has also been a huge part of my life. God has been so good to me, really showing me what it means to be content and happy with allowing Him to run my life. He has showed me that He can do much greater things with my life than I ever could by myself. My future plans are to finish college in the next year and a half, find a good job, get married, and start a family. Most importantly, I want to follow God’s plan for me, and to glorify Him. I have had so much fun contributing to this book and hope that it helps you with any questions you may have about the Catholic faith. May God bless you always!

Maureen D

I am twenty-one-years old and a recent graduate of Aquinas College, in Grand Rapids, MI, and a Lansing Catholic Central High School alumna. I graduated with my B.A. in Psychology and a concentration in Communications. While at Aquinas, I spent two years as a Resident Assistant, during which I helped organize and run a number of different fundraising programs. I hope to pursue a career in higher education counseling, and would like to express my deepest gratitude to my parents, God, and Mrs. Wittmann for their support during this experience.

Michael

I’m fifteen-years old and I’m a homeschooled sophomore in high school. I’m a Catholic and very pro-life. I like writing, photography, playing bass guitar, computers, amateur radio, hanging out with my friends and my family of eight, and tons of other stuff. I’m thinking about majoring in communication or photography in college. A few years ago I wrote a book titled St. Jude: A Friend in Hard Times [Pauline]. That’s about all I can think of to write, so enjoy the book!

Maureen Wittmann

I graduated from high school in 1979 and you don’t have to tell me that was a long time ago! But, doing this book has shown me that things have not really changed all that much when it comes to the questions that are heavy on the hearts of teenagers. I never dreamed, back in 1979, that life could be so good. God has blessed me with a wonderful husband and seven beautiful children. I am co-editor and a contributing author to A Catholic Homeschool Treasury [Ignatius Press, 1999] and The Catholic Homeschool Companion (Sophia Institute Press, 2006). I am also the author of For the Love of Literature (Ecce Homo Press, 2008) and am currently working on a new book 100 Books for Kids Who Love to Read (Ecce Homo Press). My articles have appeared in Our Sunday Visitor, Catholic Digest, New Covenant, and several other periodicals.

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