Sixteen: Keep My Baby or Give Up for Adoption

Q: My best friend is 16 and about 5 months pregnant. Before, she had her mind set on adoption, but now she wants to keep it. I am strongly against this because I believe it is going to ruin her life as she knows it as well as her future. I know that she needs a lot of support and someone to be there and listen to her, but I don't think I could bare to allow her to keep it. Should I intervene? And if so, how should I do it?

A: As I write this, my four year old sister and three year old brother are getting time-outs for being bad (this time it was a small fight over a toy). They are both adopted, and we have what's called "open adoptions" which means we keep in touch with their birth families (send pictures, even visit sometimes), they both come from different mothers in different cities, but in our state. Before we adopted Rose, my sister, we had a baby boy named Adam for three weeks, and then his birth mother changed her mind and we had to give him back. That was the most heart-breaking thing that I've ever been through, and probably will ever go through.

I realize this probably doesn't mean much to you, but I should tell you right now, there is no way anyone can really know what would be best for your friend and the little child inside of her. Anyone but God, that is. But I urge you to try to see both sides, especially from her point of view. This is going to be maybe the single hardest decision she will ever have to make, and she'll have to live with it for the rest of her life, whether she keeps the baby or decides to adopt.

From the adoption side, I look at my little brother and sister and can't even imagine life without them. They are the most wonderful things that have ever happened to me, even if they get on my nerves sometimes.

But from the mother's side, I look back on those three weeks my family had with Adam, and I wonder: If letting a child you love THAT much go after just three weeks is as hard as it was for me, then how hard must it be after nine months?

I can't tell you that it would be better for the mother to keep the child just as I can't tell you that giving the baby up for adoption would be any better. I don't know what kind of situation your friend is in or if it's a good environment to raise a child in or not. But I can tell you that that baby, that tiny little child, is a miracle, though it may not seem like it.

You say you're worried about your friend's life and your friend's future, but there's another person to add to the equation. We should respect and consider that life as well. I'm sure your friend was well aware that her decision to have sex could possibly result in a child, and in making that decision, she chose to take on the responsibly of her actions. Although, to be fair, there are many teenage mothers out there who have graduated high school, probably even some that have gotten through college. It all depends on how committed the mother is to a good life for both her and her child. It also matters that there are people around(family, the father, close friends) who will help her emotionally, spiritually, physically and financially as well.

What kind of goals does your friend have for her life, her future career, and possible future family? Are her parents supportive of her through this pregnancy? Where is the baby's father in all this? Can she handle the responsibility of someone twice her age? These are some very serious questions that you can ask yourself and her. The answers factor a lot in if it would be wise for her to keep the baby.

So I suppose your answer in a nutshell is this: You can try and explain these things to her and hope and pray she will make the best decision for herself and the child. But the fact remains, this child was made by God for a specific reason, and God's plan beats all in the end.

I hope you have found this helpful, please pass my congratulations on to your friend for her holy gift. My prayers are with you all.

Peace,
Martha

Catholic Church and Aliens

Q: What does the Church teach about aliens? Could there be people on other planets?

A: There’s not really an answer for this question, because only God knows. The Church doesn’t teach anything about people on other planets. Since God can create anything, it’s certainly possible that He created people on other planets, but nobody can be sure either way.

Michael

What is Love

Q: Everybody has probably thought about this, but I'm just gunna get it out there. What is love?

A: God is love. Every act of love is an imitation of God. What is an act of love? Love is present in every act of patience, kindness, trust, humility, generosity, selflessness, and goodness. The greatest act of love is the total giving of one's self to another. This is most clearly seen on the Eucharistic table and the wedding bed. Love is not fully tangible, beyond matter and time. Attempting to describe love in mere words is like trying to capture the glory of God in a mere painting.

Paul

Why Does God Allow Satan to Exist

Q. Why does God continue to allow Satan to exist? I know that He gave us free will, and therefore will not force us to do what is right, but why doesn't He cause Satan to become good, without taking away his free will? Or cause Satan to just cease to exist?

A. Well, for starters, He's not going to just kill off Satan. Of course He's able to, but we all know a kinder and more merciful God than that. Ah, Satan, our famous prince of darkness, our fallen angel. He chose that life, he chose to be "the evil one." He used to be one of the good guys, but then ... he wanted more. He wanted the power and control that God had. So he fell, down to a place called Hell where he could rule ... but still under the command of God. Satan still has to ask His permission before setting loose on the world. Everything Satan does, God has allowed him to do.

Take, for example, Job. One of those routine days in heaven and Satan shows up, God asks him where he has come from, and he answers that he's just been "to and fro and up and down" on earth, and God asks him if he's considered Job, "There is no one like him on earth, a blameless and upright man who fears God and turns away from evil."(Job 1:8) Then Satan challenges God by saying, "Does Job fear God for nothing? Have you not put a fence around him and his house and all that he has, on every side? You have blessed the work of his hands, and his possessions have increased in the land. But stretch out your hand now, and touch all that he has, and he will curse you to your face."(Job 1:9-11) So God gives Satan permission to "stretch his hand against" Job, but not to harm Job himself. And Satan must obey. Later on in the book of Job, God gave Satan permission to harm Job, as long as he didn't kill him. And Satan had to obey.

So really, the question is, why NOT continue to allow Satan to exist? Without the evil in this world, free will would be irrelevant, there would be no other option but good. God wants us to freely choose Him, and if there's no other option, it's not the same. And God is ultimately in control, there is absolutely nothing that Satan can do that God can't prevent if He wants to. God loves us all a great deal more than we can possibly imagine and He wouldn't put anything on us that we couldn't handle with His help.

Hope that answers your question, my prayers are with you,

Martha

Catholicism and Hinduism

Q: My sister’s boyfriend is a great guy, nice and respectful. The problem is he is Hindu and we are Catholic. My sister really cares about him and now they're talking about getting married. I’m worried that this won't work out or that she'll decide to become a Hindu too. How do I approach this subject without hurting her feelings? What exactly is Hinduism?

A: Hinduism differs from Christianity and other Western religions in that it does not have a single founder, a specific theological system, a single system of morality, or a central religious organization. It consists of thousands of different religious groups that have evolved in India since 1500 BC. Hinduism is based on ancient scriptures known collectively as the Vedas. Hindus believe in a supreme spiritual force called Brahman with which an individual will become one after cleansing his or her karma through a cycle of birth, death, and rebirth. In life, Hindus follow the laws of dharma, or spiritual teachings.

Approach your sister with care and concern. Go into the conversation with an open heart and mind. Let her know how you feel, but also let her make her own decision. Pray for her.

Jenna

Brown Scapular and Heaven

Q. My mom says that if you die while wearing the brown scapular, you will go straight to heaven. That sounds superstitious to me.

A. Only dying in a state of grace can guarantee our reaching heaven. Scapulars are not “good luck charms,” although we can attain certain graces by wearing the scapular. The Church considers wearing scapulars, like praying the rosary, to be a helpful way to cultivate a devotion to Mary. Scapulars remind the wearer, and others, that the wearer has a devotion to our Lady. Also, the scapular is a sacramental. Sacramentals are like reminders of the sacraments, holy water reminds us of baptism, and the scapular reminds us of holy orders. In 1251 our Lady appeared to St. Simon Stock and said, “Whosoever dies wearing it shall not suffer eternal fire.” That is why people believe that if you die while wearing the brown scapular, you will go to heaven. Of course, when Mary says this she assumes that one doesn’t deliberately live a sinful life.

Christian

Fr. Larry Richards: A Story About Love

Does Atheism Make Sense

Q: What do you say to somebody who tells you that he is an atheist?

A: I like an argument a guy named Blaise Pascal used. Atheism doesn’t make much sense because if you die as an atheist and it turns out that there is a God, then you could end up in hell. But if you die as a follower of God and it turns out that there is no God, you haven't lost anything. It’s not a very strong argument for believing in God if someone doesn’t already, but it is a very strong argument against atheism.

Michael

Bible Study Ideas for Teens

Q: I want to start a Bible study discussion group at my school and need some good verses for teens. What are some of your favorites?

A: Starting a Bible study group is a wonderful idea. We can always use more of them. Some of my favorite Bible verses include: Isaiah 33:1-9 (a prayer for help to God); Matthew 6 & 7 (excellent parables and advice); Mark 12:28-34 (discusses the greatest commandment of Christ); Luke 11:27-28 (defines true happiness); Luke 33-36 (encourages one to spread God’s Truth, Love, and Church); Luke 17:1-10 (discusses topics such as sin, faith, and our duty to God).

Jenna

Are Buddhists Going to Hell

Q: I was born and raised Catholic and I enjoy my religious responsibilities for the most part. I was also raised on the principle that all religions deserve respect. In a way, I grew to appreciate other views from a theological point of view. However, I feel pressure from some of the Catholic families I commune with to sever ties with my non-Catholic friends because their religious principle conflict with my own. I understand that worshiping idols and false gods is a sin, but are my Buddhist friends really going to hell? Is it really wrong for me to be friends with them?

A: Well, first off, as Catholics we believe that anyone has the chance to be 'saved' and go to heaven. We honestly can't say someone is for certain going to hell or not. That is solely up to God. BUT, we do know God clearly says in His ten commandments: "You shall have no other gods before me," and we all struggle with that in our own way. Buddhism in particular, I'd say, goes against that rather significant law of God. He wants us to love and appreciate Him as our creator, father, savior, and lord. Not idolize a mere man, just another creation of God.

Secondly, as far as being friends with non-Catholics, I think it's a perfect opportunity not only to teach others about your own faith, but also to learn things about others' faiths. Be fair in trading off/sharing traditions, but don't get involved in something you know would go against your faith and your God. Just be prepared to answer some tough questions. Pray constantly for them and yourself. And above all, stay strong in your own faith.

The people that you feel are pressuring you to sever ties are probably just worried about you. You could probably tell them to pray for you, for you to stay strong in your faith, and let them know that they don't have to worry. If you feel that God is supporting your friendship with these non-Catholics, then He is surely going to watch over you.

One last thing... take heed of warnings, and keep your ears open for God's voice in the people around you. Keep praying for God's will in your life, that's the most important thing.

My prayers are with you, good luck!
Martha

Should We Pray for Satan

Q. The Bible says to love and pray for our enemies. Does this mean we should pray for Satan?

No, there is no need to pray for Satan. God wants us to love and pray for our enemies so they may have a chance to repent and be saved and to be with God in Heaven. Satan has already rejected God of his own free will and does not have a chance to repent and cannot go to heaven. So there is no need to pray for Satan because, unfortunately, he has no hope. On the other hand we should not hate him, but pity him because he is stuck for eternity without God

God Bless,
Mary

Material Stuff vs. God

Q: My parents and their friends seem to be really into all the stuff they own. I mean, I don’t mind living in a real nice house and driving a cool car, but it just seems like they put too much importance on material stuff. Does God want us to be rich or should we give it all away?

A: Start by concentrating on yourself. How much importance do you place on your material possessions? Are you a good example to others? Even though you’re just a kid, your example can make a big impact.

How much should we give away depends on how much we have. Some people believe that God asks us to give 10% of what we have. This is called tithing. An example in the Bible is in Genesis 14:20b, “And Abram gave him a tenth of everything.” Other examples can be found in Genesis 28:20-23 and 1 Samuel 8:15-17.

The important thing is to figure out if we place our material wealth before God. Do you give with a free heart? Do you give at all? Are you sincere? All of the possessions we have now will be meaningless when we die.

One more word of advice, keep all labels off of your things. They are not of enough importance and only encourage materialism.

Amanda

Anarchy and Government

Q: Is practicing anarchism a bad thing? Do we have to respect the government if we don’t want to?

A: Yes, practicing anarchism is wrong. Remember that God has placed those in authority above us, whether it be parents, elders, or government. This doesn’t mean that you necessarily have to agree with everything those in the government decide, but a certain amount of respect must be given to them.

Tom

Fear God or Friends with God

Q: Are we really supposed to be fearful of God? It seems to me that we should be friends with God.

A: My Webster’s Dictionary’s definition of fear contains more than one meaning. In this case it is defined ”To look upon with reverence and awe.” It doesn’t mean trembling and shaking in fear. God has enough power to move a mountain, which He created. That definitely gives me a feeling of awe! God loves each one of us with unconditional love. Because of this, I feel reverence toward Him. God is just so amazing; how could you not fear Him? Fear of God is actually one of the seven gifts of the Holy Spirit. God wants to be your friend. Being God’s friend puts you under His protection and gives you no reason to fear (as in trembling fear) anything.

Amanda

Dealing with Friend's Suicide

Q: There have been several suicides at my school in the last few months. I have been very upset about this for a while. I feel lonely and scared. I don’t want to wake up in the morning, thinking some else will die today. How do I deal with this? How can I help my friends who are feeling the same way?

A: Suicide is a very difficult situation to deal with. Often the people left behind, such as family and friends, are left with numerous unanswered questions, the most common being, “why?” Why would someone go against the basic human survival instinct and take his or her life? Many times people are left feeling alone and depressed, some even worry about what would happen if they were in the situation the deceased had been in before committing suicide – would they ever reach that point? The feelings that you have are very normal and real, and you are not alone in having such feelings.

People deal with death and suicide in a number of different ways. Writing, drawing, painting, crying, laughing, singing, talking, reflecting, remembering the good things – there are countless ways of expressing how you feel. The important thing is to find a healthy way of dealing with your feelings and working through your worries and fears, getting back to a more normal way of life. There is no set time limit for how long these feelings will last. It could be weeks, months, or years, depending on how well you and your friends knew the classmates who died. Try talking to a school counselor or teacher. They’re there to listen to you, and they want to make sure you are doing okay. Ask a counselor to have a group discussion with you and your friends if you are concerned about how they feel. Talk to your priest about arranging a memorial service for your schoolmates who died, or about starting a prayer group for the families of those children.

Harold S. Kushner, a Rabbi Laureate in Massachusetts, wrote a wonderful book about dealing with the pain and confusion that surrounds tragic situations, such as suicide. It is called When Bad Things Happen to Good People, and I have given copies of it to a number of people I know who are going through difficult times. He offers insight into why terrible things happen in this world, as well as advice on how to understand the pain and fear that accompanies difficult situations. I would recommend that you (and your friends) read this book, as a means of helping you resolve your loneliness and fear in the wake of these tragic suicides.

Maureen D.

Divorce Affect on Teens

Q: My parents have decided to get a divorce. I’ve been looking for information about the effect divorce has on teenagers and I haven’t found much. What should I expect?

A: In the world of global communication and Internet capabilities, there are a number of different useful web sites that deal with the effects of divorce on children and adolescents. The Better Divorce Network, offers an extensive list of different problems or situations you may find arise after your parents are divorced, including one parent moving far away, splitting holidays and birthdays between both parents, and the possibility of step-families.

Divorce is a very difficult situation to work through, for both the parents and their children (CCC, 2385). Difficult situations are like fingerprints; they’re different for every person. I would suggest talking to some of your other friends or classmates, or possibly finding an online chat room for teenagers who have gone through the same thing – although your experiences may not be the same, your friends may be able to offer some valuable insight into how to deal with your thoughts and emotions during this trying period.

Maureen D.

Praying When Things Fall Apart

Q: My family is falling apart. I’ve been praying real hard, but things aren’t getting any better. Why isn’t God answering my prayers?

A: Don’t give up! God answers every prayer, although not always in the way we want. God will answer in His own time and in His own way. We have to do more than just pray hard; we have to make prayer a priority, and to make God the center of our lives. Prayer is more than asking God’s help. It is a relationship with God, and to keep that relationship healthy we have to pray each and every day. We should pray with humility, perseverance, and confidence, we should pray for what will help us gain salvation, and to pray in a state of grace, or to go back to a state of grace.

Also, suffering in and of itself is evil, and is a product of original sin, but we can put suffering to good use. If we carry our crosses with joy, and offer up our suffering to Jesus it would be a great way to show Him how much we love Him. You’re obviously going through some very hard times. Keep in mind that not all is lost, and that maybe some good can come from your hardship. God knows what you are going through, and He will never abandon you. His love for you is so great that it is beyond comprehension.

Christian

Why Not Just End Your Life

Q: I’m doing a report for school on euthanasia. It seems to me that suicide is the only path out sometimes. Why is it morally wrong if it’s easier to end your life quickly than to suffer through long and arduous pain?

A: Committing suicide is a mortal sin; it is breaking the fifth commandment. God commanded this because He wants us to take care of our spiritual and physical being. He gave each person a soul. He chose each person individually for a purpose. God knows when to call us home. There is a reason for everything, including suffering. Society tells us that we should do everything to stay away from pain. God tells us that it is a blessing and a way to unite ourselves with Christ. Offering up your pain to God pleases Him because you are showing Him that you are willing to suffer for Him.

Amanda

The Teen Dating Scene

Normally, we take questions from teenagers, but today we make an exception and take a question from a mother and her teen daughter. We're also doing things a little differently by having two authors of the answer.

Q: This is from me (a mom!) and my lovely 16-year-old daughter, who recently started away-school after being homeschooled from kindergarten until high school.

Mom says dating is for when a) you know you are called to the vocation of marriage and b) you are at a point in life when marriage is a possibility (say, late college-age, or at least when there is some spiritual and intellectual maturity and a job!). Dating is not a game, and is bad preparation for marriage to be constantly hooking up, getting romantic and/or intimate, then breaking up ... and going onto a new person. Modern dating was never envisioned by the Church, so there are no "rules" for it. But it's easy to see how harmful it is to be playing at love without looking for a person to spend the rest of your life with. So, at this age, I think having male friends is fine, going out in groups is fine, but "pairing off" is a bad idea. St. Francis de Sales says: "... if you hope to enter into a temporal marriage, guard jealously your first love for your first husband. In my opinion it is very deceitful to present him with a heart quite worn out, spoiled, and weary with love instead of a whole and sincere heart."

Daughter says she isn't going to get physically intimate with a guy, she just wants to have fun and see what its like to have a guy totally crushing on her. All her friends at school are dating. What's the big deal? Unless the Church comes out with some statement against dating, there is nothing wrong with it.

What's your take on this?

A: As a couple who has recently started dating, we would like to point out the seriousness of an intimate human relationship. There is great joy and pleasure in dating, but there is so much more than just feelings and fun. A relationship based solely off of feelings will only end in broken feelings.

Your daughter "wants to have fun and see what it's like to have a guy totally crushing on her," and this is normal. But the question is: is this an adequate reason to date a guy?

We say no. This way of doing things is totally unfair to both parties. Using a guy to get his attention and to "have fun" is just that, using a guy. She would be screwing with this guy's thoughts and feelings. Also, in a sense, deceiving him and betraying his trust. Isn't this simply using the way that he thinks and feels about her solely for self-pleasure?

What many young women don't realize is that solely seeking emotional closeness has the same addictive qualities as guys seeking physical pleasure. A woman can become addicted to an "emotional masturbation," enjoying the waves of pleasure coming not from physical stimulation (as it happens for guys) but from the emotional stimulation. If not guided spiritually, this will lead to a self-centered relationship with a long list of abuses.

To have a truly joyful and fun relationship, the spiritual aspects need to be set on a higher level than the physical and emotional. This can be done with maturity, prayer, and counsel. It is not something to be taken lightly, but something that needs to be respected and honored as sacred.

Kristina and Paul

Catholic Church Position On Stem Cell Research

Q: Why are Catholics so against stem cell research? It could help so many people.

A: This is a misconception many people have. The Catholic Church is not against stem cell research, but is against fetal stem cell research. We agree that adult stem cells can and has helped many people.

The Catholic Church does not support fetal stem cell research because it destroys a living human embryo in order to extract the embryo’s stem cells. The Church teaches that all life is sacred, from conception until natural death.

If our government can choose to destroy an unborn human life for the greater good, then soon it will also become their right to decide to dispose of terminally ill patients and condemned prisoners.

We must also consider the long-term consequences of fetal stem cell research. Once the limited supplies of human embryos are destroyed, where will the additional embryos come from? The answer is egg extraction, something already happening in California and England. Egg extraction is an extremely painful and dangerous process for women. It also destroys women’s dignity by stripping them of their natural instinct as caregivers and selling their own infants.

Adult stem cell research does cure disease. There have been over 70 debilitating diseases that have either been treated or cured with stem cell research. So far there have been no benefits in embryonic stem cell research. Also adult stem cell research does not harm the donor and is much easier to extract. Some ways they extract the stem cells include blood from the umbilical cord, dental pulp, and the placenta.

If we support embryonic stem cell research then we neither respect the life God gave us nor are we responsible caretakers of the earth and our babies as God meant us to be.

I hope this has answered your question.

God bless,
Mary